Aunt Harriett

"Love incarnate." That is what I said to the nurses at English Oaks about my Aunt Harriett, your mother. She was that, she is that and she and your father will forever remain the embodiment of Love for all of us.

My beloved aunt, my third mother--actually ex aequo with Aunt Lorraine if the truth be told.

"Hello, Sweetie." A greeting that I am still hearing as I write this. You are the only person in the world who ever called me "Babe" and you also sometimes addressed me as "Baby" even when I was in my 40s and you in your 80s. "Hello, Babe," you used to say and with those words you warmed my heart because they told me that you loved me and they reminded me always that you had known me since I was just that -- a babe. When my mother and then Aunt Lorraine died, you were the only one to hold my history and my stories of our and my family in your heart. You knew it all. My mother's story, her heart's joy and the heartbreaks from which she never recovered beginning with the death of her beloved husband, John McGowan, when she was only 26 and Beth only 2; Beth's story -- Mary Beth, who was born on your 20th birthday and was not only my mother's special girl but yours, too. Beth whom you and Uncle Jack loved and took care of and probably spoiled rotten when Mary had to work; Beth, the little girl with a cello. You knew the story of my parents and me, and so much more. The fun and funny parts; the heart-wrenching times we had in the Adams family. No one else in this world knew the full story except you. We did not have to dredge it all up and discuss it, only occasionally; you just knew and that was enough for me because with a smile you conveyed your compassion -- and truly you did suffer with and for us -- and your abiding and unconditional love for me, Christie, Chrissy, Chris. Like my mother and Aunt Lorraine, you understood all of the parts of my soul -- even the not-so-very-nice parts -- and you loved me anyway and for always. With your passing to the other side of the Veil to be, I truly believe, reunited with those you have loved who have preceded you, I am left to be the keeper of my own soul and of all of the stories I know. Including of course Little Women and Anne of Green Gables!

And now I hear you saying as you so often did, "Yeah, right." Well, Aunt Harriett, I am. I am writing for your children and your grandchildren and your great grandchildren all of the things I want to say to them about you and Uncle Jack and how you shaped my life and my heart; the lessons you taught me that even my own parents and Aunt Lorraine could not; the fun we had and the heartaches we shared.

I am going to write it all down -- or at least what I can --

I am going to write about your legacy. Your legacy that is Love.

And so I begin.

***

When Linda and I were holding your hands on Tuesday, I asked her if she knew about the picture you sent Beth and me in the 1990s -- or was it Sharon I asked? Whoever it was did not know of this framed quotation. You sent it only to Beth and me, I now know. Here is what I think. I think you thought your own children knew and lived this well -- ah, the Savage clan -- but that both Beth and I needed this message from you. It reads:

"Our family is a circle of strength and love. With every birth and every union, the circle grows. Every joy shared adds more love. Every challenge faced together, makes the circle stronger."

Oh, and Aunt Harriett. You are so right. So right.

Our family. That is what you wanted your nieces to know. That this is our family, too. I am so grateful, everlastingly grateful that you and Uncle Jack and your children and grandchildren and great grandchildren epitomized this circle and that you have always made sure that I have been a part -- and despite the miles and the years, never apart -- from our family.


***

"Sweet Harriett." That is what my mother, Mary, used to call you when she spoke of you. Your sister, four years older than you, who once ripped the roof of your mouth when you were a little girl with, if I recall correctly, one of grandma's crochet hooks. You went on loving her. My mother, that is. You were Aunt Lorraine's favorite sister, ten years her junior. Despite her actions as a little girl, my mother loved you, too. "Sweet Harriett." But in the family of four girls the pairing was really Lorraine and Harriett, Mary and Carol.

It can be said that your sisters were very loving women, but in their own ways. Aunt Lorraine loved beyond measure but was the least demonstrative of all of you; she was after all the Chairman of the Board. I knew Aunt Carol really only slightly but she had probably the best sense of humor of all of you (and that is saying something!) and she constantly wrote letters with funny stories for her sisters when her life was not so funny. My mother. Well, my mother -- how to describe my mother? She had a sweetness of her own but not like yours, Aunt Harriett. Not like yours. Because of her life and the ways in which her heart had broken, there were places in my mother's heart that could not be mended, that could never fully heal. Like the cup in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, once broken, it was never quite the same again. Your heart, Aunt Harriett, remained sweet and loving, always loving toward all you loved.

Harriett. Sweet Heart.

(My mother rarely used terms of endearment with me. She called me by my name most of the time and when she did use endearments it was "dear" or "dear heart." I have recently realized that your mother taught my sister, who calls her husband, her children, her grandchildren and me "sweetheart" or "sweetie" -- just like your mom did all of us -- this lovely form of endearment.

Aunt Harriett and I used to call each other "My dearie dear.")

I recalled the other day the photo that I have of you, my dearie dear, that I believe is your high school graduation picture. (And as I said the other day, when the Wagoner family had a little bit of money they either got their pictures taken or went on a trip!) In the bottom right hand corner, you wrote, "Love, Harriett." Just that simple. I always think of you this way with respect to each of your sisters. Love. Harriett.

***

Aunt Harriett was always the sister who came to visit and to care for her sisters. She kept in touch with all three of them and used to get a little annoyed with Lorraine who never or rarely called her. But she kept calling Lorraine and coming to the East coast to visit all of us.

"Harriett is coming!"

Sometimes Aunt Harriett stayed with us but most often with Aunt Lorraine. Uncle Jack stayed with Lorraine, too.

One time when she was visiting us, there was a Mary Cassatt exhibit at the National Gallery of Art. When I got home from school, there she was, Aunt Harriett, with a poster for me. She said, "This is you":Indeed. That was me.

***

Back now to 1968. Forty years ago this year. My parents were going to be traveling and they asked Aunt Harriett and Uncle Jack to welcome me in your home, dear cousins, for three months. We have all often wondered, I think, what the real reason for that was. My mother always said that she wanted me to have the experience of living with family where there were other children. In other words so that I would not always be an only child and behave like one! But now I think I understand another, perhaps much more important reason for my stay in Livermore. (Of which JoAnne and Larry and I all share memories! I WAS spoiled! I WAS an only child! (or at least growing up that way since Beth was gone); I WAS a pain! It was during this time, however, that I learned how good orange juice is when made in the blender and the distinct advantage of leaving butter out as opposed to putting it back in the refrigerator all the time. So much easier to butter toast in the morning. When I got home that was my special request. Henceforth the butter stayed on top of the refrigerator at our house, too.)

In my parents' will at that time -- and they both traveled a lot because of my father's position -- my mom and dad had named your parents as my legal guardians in case anything happened to them. Not my sister, not Aunt Lorraine and Uncle John, whom I knew much better and to whom at that time I was much closer. No. In the event of my parents' death, they would have entrusted their child to Harriett and Jack. There is no higher praise, no higher, greater trust than this. My father, by the way, who was known as "Iron John" loved your parents. Of my mother's sisters Harriett was his favorite. 'tis true. I have that on good authority. His own.

And speaking of "Iron John" I want to say something about your father. It is this. Your dad, Uncle Jack to me, is one of the kindest, dearest men I have ever known, although as you all know screaming during rides at Disneyland and tickling were verboten! He was like but very different from my own beloved father in many ways. Both men loved their children and their families. But your father expressed this love always with a sweetness that lightened my step and my heart. My father was -- maybe because he was from Pittsburgh! but not really -- it was because of his own life and his own father dying when he was just 14 -- "steely." Iron John. Uncle John was called "Hollywood John." Jack was Jack.

My father used to admonish me: Be kind, Chris. Neither he nor I have always been kind. Irish/German tempers and temperament combined with the Wagoner stubbornness, you know. But your father demonstrated the kind of kindness my dad wanted me to have and to show to others. Never an unkind word. Words said always with love. Dearest Uncle Jack, thank you for this.

But I digress -- in a way but not really. Back now to the story of why you, dear cousins, had to put up with me in 1968.

I now believe that it was true that they were traveling a lot that fall of 1968 but especially they wanted me to know the family where I would live and grow up if anything ever happened to them. Yes, my dears. My dearie dears. That was the real reason.

Then when my mother, Aunt Lorraine and my dad were "gone from my sight" it became reality. Some 32 years later, I knew that I had a place and people to "come home to." And this is what I did earlier this year. I came of course to see and be with your mother but I also came because I needed to be with my family, just to sit with your mom and to be reminded of who I am, from the beginning. To "get my head on straight," as my father used to say. Being with you and especially with her this spring allowed me to do that.

On Tuesday she gave me another gift of love. The first thing she said to me after the "hellos" was -- and who knows why although I think I have an idea...a fanciful Irish idea of the whys and wherefores...

"You can change if you want to."

I do not believe she was speaking of my clothes although this puts me in mind of another story some of you know. In the Wagoner family there was a saying:

First up, best dressed.

That is because my mom used to get up and wear Aunt Lorraine's clothing that she altered, I presume with pins, for the day. They all dressed so beautifully always. But in those days when there was not very much money for the luxury of new clothing, Lorraine was already working and she could afford to buy new clothes that my mom then appropriated! Ah, sisters.

***

Just as my own mother did two days before her death, your mother, Aunt Harriett, gave me a last and lasting gift.

You can change if you want to.

OK, Aunt Harriett. I got the message.

***

Forty years later, I say thank you to all of you because I feel like more than a cousin in this Savage family. More than a cousin and for this, I can never adequately or eloquently express my abiding gratitude to your mother and father and to you, my cousin/sibs! This is, among other things, what I said to your mother on Tuesday. That I can never, never thank her enough for loving me and taking care of me and that I hold her and Uncle Jack in my heart forever.

I thank you, my dear cousins, for honoring me by allowing me to be present with you by your mother's side during her last days. It has been my privilege and a gift from God to care for my own mother during her lifetime and during her last illness, to care for Aunt Lorraine and for your mother also at this time of their passing. My three "mothers" whom I love with all of my soul and heart. A gift from God but also from you. I cannot begin to express the feelings that lie in the depths of my soul.

But this I can express and share with you. Never in all of the leave-takings of my beloved friends and family have I been filled with the sense of peace I have now.

Never.

Thank you, again, Aunt Harriett, for leaving me and I hope all of us with this peace. "Be at Peace," said the prayer on your refrigerator. The prayer I kept praying when my mother was dying. You, dear Harriett, I believe, know the "peace that passeth all understanding" now and I feel peace enfolding me as never before has happened.

May it be so for you, dear cousins, your children and your children's children also.

I also want to say something I said about my own father at his remembrance service. I said he, like the rest of us, had imperfections. We are not -- not one of us -- perfect, not nearly perfect! But we all strive to be the best we can be. Because of our love for each other, we forgive one another for our failings and our frailties.

***

When Linda came home the other night after your mother's passing, I remembered being in Prairie Village when grandma died. I have memories of seeing her in her hospital bed. You remember that she lived with us in Pittsburgh, I think. But I was most particularly thinking about what the Wagoner sisters must have done after she died. They must have gathered around Aunt Carol's kitchen table and talked. They probably did not cry, although your mother may have; perhaps Aunt Carol did as well. Not Aunt Lorraine. Not my mother for sure. They did not cry.

I thought the other morning of them in mourning. It was, I believe, 1961. Lorraine was 51 (my age now), my mother 45 and your mother 41; Aunt Carol must have been 47.

And here we are. In California. The same rituals. The same family. The love that reaches down and flows through us from generation to generation.

***

There are many more stories that I could tell. But I think I will end this tribute to your mother here with two of my favorite poems especially for you.

First this by Christina Rossetti:

Remember

Remember me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day

You tell me of our future that you planned:

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.

5

10

And this from Diary of an Old Soul by George MacDonald:

Care thou for mine whom I must leave behind;

Care that they know who 'tis for them takes care;

Thy present patience help them still to bear;

Lord, keep them clearing, growing, heart and mind;

In one thy oneness us together bind;

Last earthly prayer with which to thee I cling--

Grant that, save love, we owe not anything.

Thanksgiving 1991 to April 1, 1992

Thanksgiving 1991. My favorite holiday. It was to have been my mother's last Thanksgiving but we did not know that then.

I chose to spend it in California because Uncle Jack had had bypass surgery and I wanted to see him and Aunt Harriett.

We had a lovely time and I saw something on her refrigerator that spoke immediately to my heart. Be at Peace, a prayer by St. Francis de Sales. I copied it down in my journal. Little did I know how much I needed this prayer for the months to come.

Christmas 1991.

My mother was ill. I could see it. I made her promise on Christmas night that she would see her doctor immediately.

Two days later she was paralyzed in her bed. She could not speak. My father and I took her to the hospital where just hours later she was diagnosed with brain cancer. She had recovered her speech and I dare not write her reaction! It was not a nice word. Begins with "s" ends with "t." "Oh, s..t," she said.

It was not only brain but also lung cancer.

Lent 1992

By this time my mother could no longer speak at all. Aunt Lorraine came home from church with the first Lenten devotional of Bradley Hills, entitled "Is There a God?" It had been mom's idea. I started looking through it.

The first meditation I read was that of Susan Bowis. She was writing about her experience with her husband. "I did not hear the words. I only heard the Love."

Then. On facing pages I found what my mother had written of which I had been unaware and the prayer from Aunt Harriett's refrigerator that I had shared with Susan Andrews, our pastor.

My mother had chosen to write about anxiety. She began: "We are all subject to anxiety from time to time." Then she gave the definition of the word that she looked up in the Webster's dictionary she had given me for Christmas many years before that. She continued her devotional meditation by saying that God hears our prayers -- "Take it to the Lord in prayer," she wrote. "He hears, he cares, he takes our burdens upon himself." And then she advised:

"To ease the painful unease of mind ... there is the reading and the re-rereading of the "Farewell Discourses" as written in John."

The Farewell Discourses. My mom wrote this meditation in September 1991. She knew. Somehow she knew.

She could no longer speak to me but here she was telling us what to do. Read the Farewell Discourses. And read them again and again.

"Let not your hearts be troubled...."

John 13 - 17

Jesus Washes the Disciples’ Feet

13Now before the festival of the Passover, Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart from this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. ²The devil had already put it into the heart of Judas son of Simon Iscariot to betray him. And during supper ³Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going to God, ⁴got up from the table, took off his outer robe, and tied a towel around himself. ⁵Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was tied around him. ⁶He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, ‘Lord, are you going to wash my feet?’ ⁷Jesus answered, ‘You do not know now what I am doing, but later you will understand.’ ⁸Peter said to him, ‘You will never wash my feet.’ Jesus answered, ‘Unless I wash you, you have no share with me.’ ⁹Simon Peter said to him, ‘Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!’ ¹⁰Jesus said to him, ‘One who has bathed does not need to wash, except for the feet, but is entirely clean. And you are clean, though not all of you.’ ¹¹For he knew who was to betray him; for this reason he said, ‘Not all of you are clean.’

12 After he had washed their feet, had put on his robe, and had returned to the table, he said to them, ‘Do you know what I have done to you? ¹³You call me Teacher and Lord—and you are right, for that is what I am. ¹⁴So if I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵For I have set you an example, that you also should do as I have done to you. ¹⁶Very truly, I tell you, servants are not greater than their master, nor are messengers greater than the one who sent them. ¹⁷If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them. ¹⁸I am not speaking of all of you; I know whom I have chosen. But it is to fulfil the scripture, “The one who ate my bread has lifted his heel against me.” ¹⁹I tell you this now, before it occurs, so that when it does occur, you may believe that I am he. Very truly, I tell you, whoever receives one whom I send receives me; and whoever receives me receives him who sent me.’

Jesus Foretells His Betrayal

21 After saying this Jesus was troubled in spirit, and declared, ‘Very truly, I tell you, one of you will betray me.’ ²²The disciples looked at one another, uncertain of whom he was speaking. ²³One of his disciples—the one whom Jesus loved—was reclining next to him; ²⁴Simon Peter therefore motioned to him to ask Jesus of whom he was speaking. ²⁵So while reclining next to Jesus, he asked him, ‘Lord, who is it?’ ²⁶Jesus answered, ‘It is the one to whom I give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish.’ So when he had dipped the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas son of Simon Iscariot. After he received the piece of bread, Satan entered into him. Jesus said to him, ‘Do quickly what you are going to do.’ ²⁸Now no one at the table knew why he said this to him. ²⁹Some thought that, because Judas had the common purse, Jesus was telling him, ‘Buy what we need for the festival’; or, that he should give something to the poor. ³⁰So, after receiving the piece of bread, he immediately went out. And it was night.

The New Commandment

31 When he had gone out, Jesus said, ‘Now the Son of Man has been glorified, and God has been glorified in him. ³²If God has been glorified in him, God will also glorify him in himself and will glorify him at once. ³³Little children, I am with you only a little longer. You will look for me; and as I said to the Jews so now I say to you, “Where I am going, you cannot come.” ³⁴I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. ³⁵By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.’

Jesus Foretells Peter’s Denial

36 Simon Peter said to him, ‘Lord, where are you going?’ Jesus answered, ‘Where I am going, you cannot follow me now; but you will follow afterwards.’ ³⁷Peter said to him, ‘Lord, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.’ ³⁸Jesus answered, ‘Will you lay down your life for me? Very truly, I tell you, before the cock crows, you will have denied me three times.

Jesus the Way to the Father

14‘Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. ²In my Father’s house there are many dwelling-places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also. ⁴And you know the way to the place where I am going.'^{* 5}Thomas said to him, ‘Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?’ ⁶Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ⁷If you know me, you will know^* my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.’

8 Philip said to him, ‘Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied.’ ⁹Jesus said to him, ‘Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and you still do not know me? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, “Show us the Father”? ¹⁰Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own; but the Father who dwells in me does his works. ¹¹Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; but if you do not, then believe me because of the works themselves. ¹²Very truly, I tell you, the one who believes in me will also do the works that I do and, in fact, will do greater works than these, because I am going to the Father. ¹³I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. ¹⁴If in my name you ask me for anything, I will do it.

The Promise of the Holy Spirit

15 ‘If you love me, you will keep my commandments. ¹⁶And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, to be with you for ever. ¹⁷This is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, because he abides with you, and he will be in you.

18 ‘I will not leave you orphaned; I am coming to you. ¹⁹In a little while the world will no longer see me, but you will see me; because I live, you also will live. ²⁰On that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. ²¹They who have my commandments and keep them are those who love me; and those who love me will be loved by my Father, and I will love them and reveal myself to them.’ ²²Judas (not Iscariot) said to him, ‘Lord, how is it that you will reveal yourself to us, and not to the world?’ ²³Jesus answered him, ‘Those who love me will keep my word, and my Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. ²⁴Whoever does not love me does not keep my words; and the word that you hear is not mine, but is from the Father who sent me.

25 ‘I have said these things to you while I am still with you. ²⁶But the Advocate,^* the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything, and remind you of all that I have said to you. ²⁷Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid. ²⁸You heard me say to you, “I am going away, and I am coming to you.” If you loved me, you would rejoice that I am going to the Father, because the Father is greater than I. ²⁹And now I have told you this before it occurs, so that when it does occur, you may believe. ³⁰I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming. He has no power over me; ³¹but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us be on our way.

Jesus the True Vine

15‘I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine-grower. ²He removes every branch in me that bears no fruit. Every branch that bears fruit he prunes to make it bear more fruit. ³You have already been cleansed by the word that I have spoken to you. ⁴Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me. ⁵I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶Whoever does not abide in me is thrown away like a branch and withers; such branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. ⁷If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples. ⁹As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love. ¹⁰If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. ¹¹I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete.

12 ‘This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. ¹³No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. ¹⁴You are my friends if you do what I command you. ¹⁵I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father. ¹⁶You did not choose me but I chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name. ¹⁷I am giving you these commands so that you may love one another.

The World’s Hatred

18 ‘If the world hates you, be aware that it hated me before it hated you. ¹⁹If you belonged to the world,^* the world would love you as its own. Because you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world—therefore the world hates you. ²⁰Remember the word that I said to you, “Servants are not greater than their master.” If they persecuted me, they will persecute you; if they kept my word, they will keep yours also. ²¹But they will do all these things to you on account of my name, because they do not know him who sent me. ²²If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not have sin; but now they have no excuse for their sin. ²³Whoever hates me hates my Father also. ²⁴If I had not done among them the works that no one else did, they would not have sin. But now they have seen and hated both me and my Father. ²⁵It was to fulfil the word that is written in their law, “They hated me without a cause.”

26 ‘When the Advocate comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who comes from the Father, he will testify on my behalf. ²⁷You also are to testify because you have been with me from the beginning.

16‘I have said these things to you to keep you from stumbling. ²They will put you out of the synagogues. Indeed, an hour is coming when those who kill you will think that by doing so they are offering worship to God. ³And they will do this because they have not known the Father or me. ⁴But I have said these things to you so that when their hour comes you may remember that I told you about them.

The Work of the Spirit

‘I did not say these things to you from the beginning, because I was with you. ⁵But now I am going to him who sent me; yet none of you asks me, “Where are you going?” ⁶But because I have said these things to you, sorrow has filled your hearts. ⁷Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. ⁸And when he comes, he will prove the world wrong about sin and righteousness and judgement: ⁹about sin, because they do not believe in me; ¹⁰about righteousness, because I am going to the Father and you will see me no longer; ¹¹about judgement, because the ruler of this world has been condemned.

12 ‘I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. ¹³When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own, but will speak whatever he hears, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. ¹⁴He will glorify me, because he will take what is mine and declare it to you. ¹⁵All that the Father has is mine. For this reason I said that he will take what is mine and declare it to you.

Sorrow Will Turn into Joy

16 ‘A little while, and you will no longer see me, and again a little while, and you will see me.’ ¹⁷Then some of his disciples said to one another, ‘What does he mean by saying to us, “A little while, and you will no longer see me, and again a little while, and you will see me”; and “Because I am going to the Father”?’ ¹⁸They said, ‘What does he mean by this “a little while”? We do not know what he is talking about.’ ¹⁹Jesus knew that they wanted to ask him, so he said to them, ‘Are you discussing among yourselves what I meant when I said, “A little while, and you will no longer see me, and again a little while, and you will see me”? ²⁰Very truly, I tell you, you will weep and mourn, but the world will rejoice; you will have pain, but your pain will turn into joy. ²¹When a woman is in labour, she has pain, because her hour has come. But when her child is born, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy of having brought a human being into the world. ²²So you have pain now; but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. ²³On that day you will ask nothing of me. ^* Very truly, I tell you, if you ask anything of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be complete.

Peace for the Disciples

25 ‘I have said these things to you in figures of speech. The hour is coming when I will no longer speak to you in figures, but will tell you plainly of the Father. ²⁶On that day you will ask in my name. I do not say to you that I will ask the Father on your behalf; ²⁷for the Father himself loves you, because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. I came from the Father and have come into the world; again, I am leaving the world and am going to the Father.’

29 His disciples said, ‘Yes, now you are speaking plainly, not in any figure of speech! ³⁰Now we know that you know all things, and do not need to have anyone question you; by this we believe that you came from God.’ ³¹Jesus answered them, ‘Do you now believe? ³²The hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each one to his home, and you will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me. ³³I have said this to you, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you face persecution. But take courage; I have conquered the world!’

Jesus Prays for His Disciples

17After Jesus had spoken these words, he looked up to heaven and said, ‘Father, the hour has come; glorify your Son so that the Son may glorify you, ²since you have given him authority over all people, to give eternal life to all whom you have given him. ³And this is eternal life, that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. ⁴I glorified you on earth by finishing the work that you gave me to do. ⁵So now, Father, glorify me in your own presence with the glory that I had in your presence before the world existed.

6 ‘I have made your name known to those whom you gave me from the world. They were yours, and you gave them to me, and they have kept your word. ⁷Now they know that everything you have given me is from you; ⁸for the words that you gave to me I have given to them, and they have received them and know in truth that I came from you; and they have believed that you sent me. ⁹I am asking on their behalf; I am not asking on behalf of the world, but on behalf of those whom you gave me, because they are yours. ¹⁰All mine are yours, and yours are mine; and I have been glorified in them. ¹¹And now I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them in your name that you have given me, so that they may be one, as we are one. ¹²While I was with them, I protected them in your name that you have given me. I guarded them, and not one of them was lost except the one destined to be lost, ^* so that the scripture might be fulfilled. ¹³But now I am coming to you, and I speak these things in the world so that they may have my joy made complete in themselves. ¹⁴I have given them your word, and the world has hated them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. ¹⁵I am not asking you to take them out of the world, but I ask you to protect them from the evil one. They do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. ¹⁷Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. ¹⁸As you have sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world. ¹⁹And for their sakes I sanctify myself, so that they also may be sanctified in truth.

20 ‘I ask not only on behalf of these, but also on behalf of those who will believe in me through their word, ²¹that they may all be one. As you, Father, are in me and I am in you, may they also be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. ²²The glory that you have given me I have given them, so that they may be one, as we are one, ²³I in them and you in me, that they may become completely one, so that the world may know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. ²⁴Father, I desire that those also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory, which you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world.

25 ‘Righteous Father, the world does not know you, but I know you; and these know that you have sent me. ²⁶I made your name known to them, and I will make it known, so that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.’

Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life; Rather look to them with full hope that as they arise, God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things; And when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in His arms. Do not fear what may happen tomorrow; The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you today and every day. He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations. St. Francis de Sales

The Journey Home: October 4 to October 9, 2008

Christian and I had just begun our dinner of a new recipe I had found for spaghetti squash.

The phone rang. It was Linda. With a catch in her voice. When I heard her, I simply said, "I am coming."

On the morning of October 6 we got up at 3:30 am and were on the road at 4, first to St. Brieuc, on to Rennes where I had 5 minutes to get from Quai 2 to Quai 8 -- I made it! -- and then to Charles de Gaulle for the long trip home. I could not help but remember that I had been in Los Angeles when I received the call from my father on April 1, 1992 telling me that my own mother was "gone." That morning I remember thinking, "How appropriate that I am in the City of Angels. How appropriate that I am on the West coast where Aunt Harriett is. How appropriate that I am flying over the Pacific Ocean as the plane takes off to take me home."

I arrived in San Jose and Amy was there to greet me. We finally got back to Modesto at 10 that night.

In the meanwhile, my cousins were visiting with Aunt Harriett. When Linda came home, she said, "We got a gift. Mom was alert as she has not been for a long time and she was laughing and joking with us. Even wanted to get dressed for the party."

Tuesday morning we went straightaway to the hospital. "Hello, Aunt Harriett." She was alert then too. So we all chatted and I told (perhaps too many) stories and then she was tired.

We all waited for her to be taken back to English Oaks that day. Finally at about 3 pm that happened. I believe it was prior to that -- oh, yes -- I know it was prior to that that she said in her dreamstate:

"I can't see it, Daddy."

That is when I knew the time would be soon for her leave-taking.

Then she looked up at Sharon and said,

"You look like Mary."

***
Sharon and JoAnne stayed with their mother that night. Later Sharon told us that Aunt Harriett had been talking and looking at all of the pictures. Linda took the second night shift that evening and started the morphine at 1 am. But Aunt Harriett was still talking; talking about a trip she was taking.

Keith took me to begin my shift at 7 and by 10 am, when she was no longer responding or very little to familiar, beloved voices, I knew that I must call Sharon and Jack, that they must come that day, that hour to be with their mother.

I was able to minister to her needs for water, for comfort, for love in precisely the same ways I had for my beloved mother and Aunt Lorraine. Drops of water, a glycerine swab, but most importantly prayers and song, sweet kisses on her forehead and temple. Thanks be to God.

Linda was resting but came at about 1 pm.

Caroline came too, the eldest grandchild.

I left for a while and stood out on Linda and Keith's patio and prayed. I prayed hard, just as hard as I could. And got a little upset with God, imploring God to end Aunt Harriett's suffering swiftly now. It was enough for this good and lovely woman and her family.

And while I was storming heaven, the hospice nurse informed my cousins that the sweet chariot would come soon, very soon to take Aunt Harriett home.

That day. That night.

***
Caroline came to take me back to English Oaks. Bless her heart. Bless her heart.

***
The vigil had begun.

Larry was able to speak privately to her by phone.

JoAnne and Rachel arrived.

***


And then it was time for me to leave my cousins with their mother. It was time for me to let go of my Aunt Harriett's hand just as I had let go of my mother's hand. Just as I had released Aunt Lorraine's hand.

It was time to let them go. Home.

Before I left I did not, however, as I had for my mother and Aunt Lorraine, trace the sign of the cross on Aunt Harriett's forehead. I felt that it was not for me to do this time. But I did say:

Go in Peace. Go with God. Do not be afraid, dear Aunt Harriett. They are waiting for you.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

***

Sharon was staying until 3 and then Linda was to take over. But Linda could not sleep and so she went over at about 1:30. Sharon left at 3.

At 1234 Trombetta I sat bolt upright in bed at precisely 2 30 am. Just as I had when my Uncle John died.

Keith knocked on my door close to 3 30 to tell me that Aunt Harriett was gone. She now of blessed memory. And memories.

Then Linda was home and we sat and wept very quietly together.

"The end of all meetings, parting;
The end of all striving, peace."

October 13, 2008

A series of mysterious events this morning recounted below in texts of emails sent to very dear friends of mine:

Hi. I have written my "morning" -- not mourning just peace-filled memories of a woman and a family of blessed memory -- pages again today. You can read what I have written [here].

If you have not already seen it you will see "Care Thou for Mine"....

***

Sharon asked me to give a remembrance but I declined. I am not, after all, her daughter. However, I said, I will read if you like. As it happens they selected I Corinthians 13 which is what I quoted in my remembrance of Lorraine. I also read this passage at my friend, Mary Kay's wedding, on August 1, 1987. (Coincidentally Harriett and Beth's birthday as well as the birthday of Harriett's eldest granddaughter.)

AND my cousins selected my mother's favorite hymn that we Presbyterian/Episcopalians call "Fairest Lord Jesus" for the parting hymn. (This hymn is known in the Lutheran Church as "Beautiful Savior.")

Beautiful service it will be.

In addition they found a passage from Wisdom that is exquisite. 3:1-5, 9.

Finally. They selected a passage from the Farewell Discourses for the Gospel. I had nothing to do with it.

But...you will remember the story if you do not already when you go to the "blog"

Mysterious, yes.
Here, Now, Always.

A resounding YES!

***
Of all of the hymns that have been swirling around in my heart and brain -- keeping me company -- this past week, this is the one that keeps coming back to my spirit and that I keep hearing during this experience of time out of time:

I Know that my Redeemer Liveth.

It's the first time this hymn has accompanied me.

Blessings to you. And love. And peace.


***

I just finished writing to you and went to cyberhymnal for "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth." Then my cousin Keith came in and I got up to make more coffee (I've been up since 6 30 bed at 9 30 !)

I was grinding the coffee and Keith went to get the Modesto Bee.

Today's headline ABOVE THE FOLD IS

Faith, Hope & Love.

It's a story about the 60-year-old Gospel Mission in Modesto.

THIS IS TRUE. Amazing.

Love, C.

http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/i/k/iknowtmr.htm

and especially from Handel's "Messiah":

I know that my Redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day
upon the earth. And though worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall
I see God. (Job 19:25-26)

For now is Christ risen from the dead, the first fruits of them that
sleep. (I Corinthians 15:20)

Lynn Dawson sings:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtU1c%JWf0k


***
And then this:

The second sidebar "headline" teaser this morning is about an elementary school here.

It reads

PARADISE ENDURES.

***
Soli Deo Gloria

October 15, 2008  --The Feast of St. Theresa d'Avila

My Aunt Harriett's memorial service was perfect.

My cousin Eric has asked the family to write a particular memory of Aunt Harriett for a book he will create.

I have two that I wish to include:

Winter Silks

When I lived in Minnesota, Aunt Harriett sent me Christmas gifts each year of "Winter Silks." These are garments worn under one's clothing, otherwise known as undergarments!  It may seem an odd gift but they always came with this message:  

"I want to keep you warm."  

She succeeded in all ways.  Body and soul.

Visits and phone calls to family

Aunt Harriett taught me that visiting family and calling even when others do not do so --perhaps even more importantly in these cases -- show our love to and for each other.  Visits and calls and letters and now email tell the ones we love that we are thinking of them, that we want to be with them even from a distance and that we care.  Thank you, my dearie dear, for teaching us all how to care for each other always and for these invaluable lessons of love.

Soul Sculpting Part I

WORDS

I have always loved words, the way they sound, the way they look, the ways new words can be crafted from others. Even so I have never been talented at crossword puzzles! But my mother was a whiz, and she breezed right through them. Her love affair with language lasted her entire life, and she learned early on how to measure and weigh her words with care. This was a skill she hoped her impulsive daughter would one day acquire.

By the end of March 1992, no words, at least no words that we could understand, had crossed my mother’s lips for two months. Cancer was destroying her brain. The last day I spent with her, words of love that I did not care about measuring flowed from me as did the music of songs long familiar to her. And then for the first time during her illness, I was moved to pray the Lord’s Prayer aloud. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven…. Amen. After a few moments, I quietly said, “You know, Mom, I pray all of the time.” My mother turned her face toward me, fixed her gaze upon me, and replied, “I know that you do.” She died two days later.

My mother was physically gone, but she had left me with one last and lasting gift. There have been many times since that day when I have been uncertain, many times when joy has filled my heart or grief has seared my soul. Never again, however, have I doubted that God is with us nor that the “Word was made flesh and dwelt among us.” Mysterious? Difficult to discern? Unfathomable? Yes. But always present.

If we could see our souls, I believe that they would resemble sculptures. Beautiful white marble or onyx sculptures; some souls might even be cast in bronze. The experiences of the past ten years in particular have sculpted me, skillfully preparing the material and shaping the rough form. Now the time has arrived for more detailed and delicate work. The following vignettes describe the process of the sculpting of my soul and the evolution of my faith that have led me to The College of Saint Catherine and to submit this application to obtain the Master of Arts in Theology.

JESUS WEPT

When my mother was so ill, I clung to the two words that I believed without a doubt: “Jesus wept.” As I moistened my mother’s lips and placed ice chips in her mouth, my faith grew faint and then stronger as I remembered and suddenly understood Jesus’ words on the cross and their significance: “I thirst.” I recalled the cruelty with which he had been answered, and I pondered what it means to love and what love means. My experience with my mother taught me to care in ways I had never imagined possible, even though I had also been present during the last days of my best friend’s life in 1985. Caring for individuals so dear to me and receiving tender care from friends who helped me carry on inspired me to reassess the ways in which I was living my life. I stood at a crossroads and decided to turn toward a life of service.

“I THIRST”

In October 1992 I left my career in management consulting that, once exhilirating, had lost its meaning. I accepted the position of Director of Education for the Mental Health Association of Minnesota. The change meant decreasing my annual income by 70 percent, but it also meant the fulfillment of a dream. I have never regretted my choice or the lifestyle that I gave up. Highly styled Italian shoes and designer clothing lost their allure as I began to understand more fully the power of the human spirit and the myriad ways the Spirit moves among us.

My six years at the Mental Health Association introduced me to a world of people whose boundless courage, integrity, and faith had ushered them through the Valley of the Shadow of mental illness. Indeed, Jesus could not help but weep with the persons whom I visited in psychiatric hospitals. Like him, they thirsted; many felt abandoned by God and were in fact abandoned by friends and family. I met so many individuals, some of whom I am honored to call friend, who persevere against all odds. These and many other people enriched and changed my life forever by sharing their wisdom with me. Among other things, they tried to teach me to examine my own heart and soul and to replenish my spirit because “You cannot give what you do not have.”



WE HAVE LOVED THE STARS TOO FONDLY

Now we return to the summer of 1988. It was just ten years after my graduation from Mount Holyoke College with a major in French literature, a minor in English literature, and a B.A. degree magna cum laude. In the meantime, I had married and moved to France, where I had embarked upon my career as a management consultant. In March 1988 I became ill and was hospitalized for two months.

While convalescing, I was also learning to cope with the repercussions of the diagnosis of manic depressive illness and preparing to begin a new life in New York City. One day, to ease my anxiety about the future and all of the unknown challenges it held, I went shopping. Not my usual response to life-changing events and a seemingly minor occurrence in the grand scheme of things that summer. I remember it, though, as clearly as if it had happened just hours ago.

It was a charming—almost too charming—shop. To cheer myself up and on, I tried on a summery, flowery dress and then I wandered over to the greeting cards. My eye was immediately drawn to one card, and it turned out to be, of all things, a sympathy card. But then again, maybe I needed some sympathy! Needless to say, I bought the dress and the card and while I no longer have that lovely dress, the card has accompanied me everywhere I have gone since that long-ago and painful summer. A “Velveteen Rabbit” of sorts, tattered and worn, the card reads, “We have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.” Those words still inspire me, and there have been many occasions when I have needed them since 1988, including the grave illnesses and deaths of my closest family and the usual, sometimes slightly unusual, ups-and-downs that life sends our way. [1]

“FOLLOW ME”

In 1995 one of the ministers of my church asked me to give the meditation at the chapel service. The text I selected was the story of Zacchaeus. He was the tax collector who perched in a tree to get a glimpse of Jesus. As Jesus passed under the tree, he stopped and called out to Zacchaeus to get right down and get to work serving others. As I thought about the meaning of Zacchaeus’ story in my life and the lives of people I know, I realized that we, too, are called by name, called to climb out of whatever tree we happen to be in and to enter the world in a different way. As I wrote and delivered the meditation, I reflected upon another two-word sentence, this one an imperative: “Follow me.”

From that day on, my faith has revolved around three two-word sentences—“Jesus wept,” “I thirst,” and “Follow me.” Since then I have also yearned to heed the call to study theology. In the intervening years, however, I have tended to other responsibilities, such as caring long-distance for my father and my aunt, who had serious illnesses and who both died in August 2000. Since 1995 I have also changed jobs twice. In June 1998 I accepted the position of Director of Marketing for 89.3 WCAL, the public radio station of St. Olaf College, and in June 2000 I became the Director of Development of the Alzheimer’s Association Minnesota-Dakotas Chapter. Both of these professional experiences have given me great satisfaction, and I have met wonderful people whom I will always cherish—colleagues, volunteers, and donors alike. But like my “Velveteen Rabbit” card, the desire to attend graduate school has accompanied me every step of the way. This week I celebrate my 45th birthday and greet a new year. I am at another crossroads in my life, and I am at last ready to say “Yes!” to the adventures and discoveries that are waiting for me in graduate school.




“FEED MY LAMBS”

In 1997 I went on retreat to Clare’s Well, where I have always found great solace and inspiration. On my way there, the words “Feed my lambs” popped into my head. When I arrived at Clare’s Well, I thought at length about those three words and their meaning. Amazingly, I opened up my Bible that afternoon to John 21. In verses 15 through 18, Jesus admonishes Simon Peter to “Feed my lambs.” And then he says, “Follow me.”

In the “busyness” of the five years since my experience at Clare’s Well, I have tried to do both. I have sometimes succeeded and more often failed. Failed in large part because I have been weary. Like Martha, I have felt too overwhelmed to pause and pay more attention to friendships or to take the time to feed and refresh my own spirit. So I have not been able to give what I did not have. That is a lesson I thought I had already learned, but I can be a little slow on the uptake sometimes! The good news is that I am finally understanding that it does no good—and that it can in fact be harmful—if I keep trying to feed lambs while ignoring my own needs for nourishment. Ultimately lambs I love suffer, and so do I. Lately I have been contemplating another lesson about life and faith as well. Why worry? Why be afraid? As the old saying goes, “Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. No one was there.” Faith, I am slowly but surely learning, is not just knowing but especially believing and trusting that no matter what we are doing or not doing for ourselves or for others, God is tending the lambs and touching our lives every moment of every day, in ways seen and unseen.

God’s love constantly speaks to the heart and soul. How do we come to trust this still, small voice, which so mysteriously can be understood even when the mind cannot form the words of a reply? Years ago when I lived in Paris, I volunteered with a young woman in her late teens who had autism. She could not speak or walk, but when I sang to her and hugged her, her eyes sparkled. A friend’s husband has Alzheimer’s disease, and his cognitive skills have slipped away. Recently, though, when he held a child in his arms and she cooed at him, he responded, “Abba.” One of my friends has battled severe mental illness for more than thirty years. She recently spent two years in a psychiatric hospital. She has just moved to a new home, joined a church and is busy making new plans for her life. She never gives up. Last week I visited with an individual whom I greatly admire. His wife has early onset Alzheimer’s disease and can now barely function. I feel certain that she is aware of his love, but just what entitles me to offer up this opinion when no one knows? Does my feeling come from ignorance of the situation or does it come from a deeper place, a place where trust and faith are blossoming?

RENEWAL—A NEW WELL

When I throw a coin in a wishing well or make a birthday wish, I close my eyes and silently pray, “Allow me to give back everything I have received.” All of my wishes have come true. Professionally, I have given back to the world even when I was a management consultant, but especially in my different roles at the Mental Health Association and as Director of Development at the Alzheimer’s Association Minnesota-Dakotas Chapter. I have spent much of my personal life caring for others.

But I want to stop spending time. I would rather deliberately set the next two years apart as a time to care for my own physical and spiritual needs. I want and need to linger for a while at a well of wisdom I have never before visited, where I will learn more about how God, Christ and the Holy Spirit manifest themselves in the world and through us. I seek refreshment from a new well where I will learn to draw from time-honored paths to faith and trust. Now is the time for me to explore the promise of new and renewed ways of thinking, perceiving, feeling, discerning, and acting in the world. Exactly what the promise holds, I am not quite sure. That is what my journey of contemplation and study will reveal.

When I make my birthday wish this week, I will ask that beauty, sorrow, and joy continue to sculpt my soul.
I will wish for the opportunity to grow, to change, and to participate in the life of the community at the College of St. Catherine as I pursue the Master of Arts degree in theology.




Theological Knowledge

When I first read the questions about theological knowledge, all I could think of was the book I had just reread. “To Kill a Mockingbird” tells us in simple and direct language what we need to know: “To kill a mockingbird,” declares Scout,
“is a sin.”

In the late 1990s I participated in a bible study group that helped me to think about my faith; I delivered three meditations at my church, one of which I mention in my personal statement. The others were equally important and helped me to grow in faith.

As I also mentioned in my personal statement, I prayed all of the time when my mother was ill. And I still do. But let me not exaggerate; maybe I don’t pray all of the time, but I talk to God frequently. Very frequently. I talk about mundane matters; I talk about the things of the spirit; I ask for help for the people I care about, for the world, and for myself.

I read. I read a lot. What are the theological works I have read? Titles include (but of course are not limited to!): “The Genius of John” (Ellis), “A Cry of Absence” (Marty), “Visions of God” (Armstrong) and the “History of God” (Armstrong), “Through the Narrow Gate” (Armstrong), “Masks of God” (Campbell), “The Path of the Kabbalah” (Sheinkin), “God” (Miles), “Heaven and Hell” (Swedenborg), “The Gnostic Gospels” (Pagels), and “The Brothers Karamazov” (Dostoevsky). I have read nearly everything that Nouwen wrote; nearly everything that C.S. Lewis wrote; much of what Buechner has written and most of the poetry of T. S. Eliot. I have tried with all my might to read the “Summa Theologica.” I read “Markings” by Dag Hammarskjold nearly as often as I read the Bible, which is to say almost every day. I read Rilke and Donne and Yeats and Gerard Manley Hopkins. I have read the works of St. John of the Cross and Thomas Merton. I read about the lives of the saints, and I keep the Missal close by my side and read it almost every day. Sigrid Nunez’s book “A Feather on the Breath of God” is in a prominent place in my dining room along with “Crossing to Safety” by Wallace Stegner.

I have already spoken in my personal statement of my love for sculpture. What can express God’s love for the world more poignantly than La Pieta? Or the sculpture of Brancusi, Rodin, and Claudel? What of the paintings of Georges de la Tour? Or, or, or…. Art, too, is theological work. Not to mention music and the music of the spheres.

I not only read but also write poetry. The poem I wrote on Good Friday 1995, published in 1996, follows.

I have always loved literature, poetry, sculpture, music, and art. We can find great theological meaning in all of these forms of the soul’s expression. Just think of the many examples there are. I have a feeling that in my pursuit of the Masters of Theology at Saint Catherine’s, I am going to find the way to combine my love of literature and art, my knowledge of French (I am bilingual), and my love of God into a meaningful whole that will transform itself into service.



















Good Friday 1995

The pain of the world

H
ANGS

today upon the Cross.

Darkness was upon the face of the deep.

Death.

And then,
There was Light.

Fiat lux; lux fiat.

On the third day—or was it today in Paradise—
the
Light
illumined
every crevice,
every cranny,
every dark and desolate wilderness.

The Light
of the World
lives and reigns
over All.

Not

the dying of the Light;
but the ReBirth of Light
into the receiving
Hands of God.

“Into Thy Hands, I commend my Spirit.”

Light merged with Light.

Now lettest Thy servant depart,
according to
Thy Word.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the
Word was God.



Christiana Adams
In Sacred Suffering
A Lenten Journal, February – March 1996
Bradley Hills Presbyterian Church
Bethesda, Maryland






EASTER 2002


THE EPISCOPAL PARISH OF
ST. DAVID





THE FLOWERING OF THE CROSS






A GLAD SHOUT FROM THE HEART:

WHY NOT?
POURQUOI PAS APRES TOUT?

CREDO.








AFTERWORD, FOREWORD AND FORWARD



Today is the second anniversary of my father's death. Last evening I reread the words that I shared at his memorial service. My remarks began with the words of Shakespeare that I had contemplated on my long journey home: “When to the Sessions of sweet silent thought/I summon up remembrance of things past.” I concluded my remembrance of my father in part by saying that “He was and will remain for all of us who knew and loved him both a mystery and a wellspring of clarity. ”

Last evening I knew with sudden clarity that there is another two-word sentence, this one a declaration that belongs in my journey as both the afterword to my personal statement and as the foreword to the journey on which I now embark.

"I believe."

Reduced to and expanding into one word: Credo.[2]

August 22, 2002






September 11, 2002

Tonight I realized that there are three seven-word sentences that belong here; sentences that form me and that now inform my life:

“I am the Light of the World.”

“And the darkness shall not overcome it.”

“Into Thy Hands I commend my Spirit.”

October 1, 2002

Which of course we can say anytime and perhaps every day for as long as we live!

Jesus wept and smiled . . . I imagine He even laughed from time to time . . .


CREDO.



ADVENT 2004



Today is the day that the Lord hath made
Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

The First Sunday of Advent~
The Death of my dearest, dearest Soul Friend

The Third Sunday of Advent~
Rose Light and purple hues.

Gaudeamus!

Let us
rejoice.

Rejoice in the Lord always.

And again I say rejoice.

For the Light shines in the darkness;
And the darkness has not overcome it.


Thanks be to God.

Jesus Christ said,
“I am the Light of the World. Believe in me.”

And now there is a two word prayer I make:

Send me.

May it be so.

Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia.


Walk in love, beloved.



12 December 2004















AMOR VINCIT OMNIA


[1] When I received the diagnosis of manic depression (now more often referred to as bipolar disorder), I decided that I would not hide my condition from employers or friends despite the ongoing stigma and discrimination that still attach to mental illness. It is not usually the first thing I tell people about myself, however, because I prefer discussing topics much more interesting than my health! I mention it here because although it does not define who I am or what I do, it is a part of who I am and has shaped my experience; this illness has enriched my life considerably and sculpted my soul in ways I may not fully apprehend or comprehend. I am exceedingly fortunate, unlike other people I know, that this illness has not unduly disrupted my life or my career. The major symptoms of my illness have been “in remission” since 1988.
[2] Credo, to believe, I learned during my first class at St. Catherine’s, means “To give one’s heart to.”

Soul Sculpting, Part II

SOUL SCULPTING 2008


From an email written on 14 August 2008

Now for the latest news from LA P.
***
Last night (August 13, 2008) at around 9 30 the doorbell rang. We had not even had dinner yet. At first we were not going to entertain these guests as the two rooms were not ready because I was going to do them today for the family of five that is arriving. BUT. I had a feeling. III, the informed Irish intuition, at work....

So we welcomed these particular angels.

This morning Odile informed me that they are from Paris but now live in Israel where...................she teaches French. Her "dream" has been to create a "cours intensif" in France for her students and, my dear Elissa (Gelfand who is a professor of French at Mount Holyoke and who directed my undergraduate and one and only thesis!), it looks like she has found the perfect place to do so. Yes, indeed. La Prévenchère (English) Language Academy cum B & B.

In a note written to Andrea Sununu, who is now a professor of English at DePauw but who was my first professor at Mount Holyoke:

Andrea-- One of my dearest friends is an orthodox rabbi who has always called me "Reverend Mother." No kidding. He is from London and his parents (his father was also a rabbi) sent him to Catholic grade school so that he would learn about "the other side." Barry is 69 years of age and has lived in MN for many, many years. We met in 1993 at the largest Lutheran church in the US -- Mount Olivet -- where I had organized a weekend-long conference on mental illness and where he spoke on the Sunday morning.Read on concerning our recent angels from Israel.C.OH. PS. My parents' bequest was used at Bradley Hills Presbyterian Church in Bethesda, MD to create art for the common area. The common area because for more than 30 years BHPC has shared its sanctuary and space with the Bethesda Jewish Congregation. Yes. Really. Bethesda.AND. The work of art commissioned with the bequest (equal to the amount my parents paid for our home...did I say "Beth"??????????????) is titled, "The Light of One God."
And as we know. "As above, so below."

The following is a note I wrote to Rabbi Barry Woolf on 15 August 2008, the Feast of Mary—Assumption:

My dear,When I make beds and clean toilets, I pray.Here is the prayer I usually say when I make beds: http://quieteyevirtualconvent.blogspot.com/2008/05/celtic-prayer.html

From
The Celtic Way of Prayer
Esther de WaalMarked by Claudia with a Salvador Dali bookmark from her 2003trip to France to this:"Making the bed provided them with the opportunity to reflect on God's many blessings.....
'I make this bed
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit
In the name of the night we were conceived,
In the name of the night we were born,
In the name of the day we were baptised,
In the name of each night, each day,
Each angel that is in the heavens.'"

HOWEVER.The other night after telling my newest angels about the "Grand Pardons" today in Brittany -- it is the Feast of the Assumption as you know -- and their having replied, "Nous sommes juifs" and my having then told them about you, my dear "rabbin" educated in Catholic schools --when I made their beds I said the Shema:

Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad.Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.
In an undertone:Barukh sheim k'vod malkhuto l'olam va'ed.Blessed be the Name of His glorious kingdom for ever and ever.

V'ahav'ta eit Adonai Elohekha b'khol l'vav'kha uv'khol naf'sh'kha uv'khol m'odekha.And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

V'hayu had'varim ha'eileh asher anokhi m'tzav'kha hayom al l'vavekha.And these words that I command you today shall be in your heart.

V'shinan'tam l'vanekha v'dibar'ta bamAnd you shall teach them diligently to your children, and you shall speak of them

b'shiv't'kha b'veitekha uv'lekh't'kha vaderekh uv'shakh'b'kha uv'kumekhawhen you sit at home, and when you walk along the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up.

Uk'shar'tam l'ot al yadekha v'hayu l'totafot bein einekha.And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be for frontlets between your eyes.

Ukh'tav'tam al m'zuzot beitekha uvish'arekha.And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 11:13-21
V'hayah im shamo'a tish'm'u el mitz'votaiAnd it shall come to pass if you surely listen to the commandments

asher anokhi m'tzaveh et'khem hayomthat I command you today

l'ahavah et Adonai Eloheikhem ul'av'do b'khol l'vav'khem uv'khol naf'sh'khemto love the Lord your God and to serve him with all your heart and all your soul,

V'natati m'tar ar'tz'khem b'ito yoreh umal'kosh v'asaf'ta d'ganekha v'tirosh'kha v'yitz'harekha.That I will give rain to your land, the early and the late rains, that you may gather in your grain, your wine and your oil.

V'natati eisev b'sad'kha liv'hem'tekha v'akhal'ta v'sava'ta.And I will give grass in your fields for your cattle and you will eat and you will be satisfied.

Hisham'ru lakhem pen yif'teh l'vav'khem v'sar'tem va'avad'tem Elohim acheirim v'hish'tachavitem lahemBeware, lest your heart be deceivedand you turn and serve other gods and worship them.

V'charah af Adonai bakhem v'atzar et hashamayim v'lo yih'yeh matar v'ha'adamah lo titein et y'vulahAnd anger of the Lord will blaze against you, and he will close the heavens and there will not be rain,and the earth will not give you its fullness,

va'avad'tem m'heirah mei'al ha'aretz hatovah asher Adonai notein lakhem.and you will perish quickly from the good land that the Lord gives you.

V'sam'tem et d'varai eileh al l'vav'khem v'al naf'sh'khemuk'shar'tem otam l'ot al yed'khem v'hayu l'totafot bein eineikhem.So you shall put these, my words, on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them for signs on your hands, and they shall be for frontlets between your eyes.

V'limad'tem otam et b'neikhem l'dabeir bamAnd you shall teach them to your children, and you shall speak of them

b'shiv't'kha b'veitekha uv'lekh't'kha vaderekh uv'shakh'b'kha uv'kumekhawhen you sit at home, and when you walk along the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up.

Ukh'tav'tam al m'zuzot beitekha uvish'arekha.And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

L'ma'an yirbu y'maychem vi-y'may v'naychem al ha-adamah asher nishba Adonai la-avotaychem latayt lahem ki-y'may ha-shamayim al ha-aretz. In order to prolong your days and the days of your children on the land that the Lord promised your fathers that he would give them, as long as the days that the heavens are over the earth.

Numbers 15:37-41
Vayo'mer Adonai el mosheh lei'morAnd the Lord spoke to Moses, saying...

Dabeir el b'nei Yis'ra'eil v'amar'ta aleihemSpeak to the children of Israel and say to them

v'asu lahem tzitzit al kan'fei vig'deihem l'dorotamv'nat'nu al tzitzit hakanaf p'til t'kheiletthey should make themselves tzitzit (fringes) on the corners of their clothing throughout their generations,and give the tzitzit of each corner a thread of blue.

V'hayah lakhem l'tzitzit ur'item oto uz'khar'tem et kol mitz'vot Adonaiva'asitem otam v'lo taturu acharei l'vav'khem v'acharei eineikhemasher atem zonim And they shall be tzitzit for you, and when you look at them you will remember all of the Lord's commandmentsand do them and not follow after your heart and after your eyes which lead you astray.

L'ma'an tiz'k'ru va'asitem et kol mitz'votai viyitem k'doshim lei'loheikhemIn order to remember and do all My commandments, and be holy for your God.

Ani Adonai Eloheikhem asher hotzei'ti et'khem mei'eretz Mitz'rayim lih'yot lakhhem leilohimAni Adonai Eloheikhem I am the Lord, your Godwho lead you from the land of Egypt to be a God to you.I am the Lord, your God.

© Copyright 5758-5767 (1998-2007), Tracey R Rich
Prayers and Blessings


***I told Odile that this morning and she was very moved. She said, "How do you know about this?" And I forgot to tell her about "The Light of One God" at Bradley Hills and Bethesda Jewish Congregation!


***
17 August 2008

Andrea Sununu asked me the other day how I prefer to be called: Christie or Christiana.

Here is my reply.

Dear Andrea,
Funny you should ask. I have had a lovely time today thinking about this while making beds, etc.There is of course a story to tell. Or several. Read: AND several.
My full given name is Margaret Christiana. My mother's name was Mary Margaret. My sister's name is Mary Beth and we call her Beth. I understood after my mother died that she had given her name to her two daughters. Mary Beth and Margaret Christiana. My paternal grandmother's name was Christiana. Her family and friends called her "Yonnie." Second generation German in Pittsburgh. In the late 19th century, she married Edward Adams, second generation Irish. (That is a story for another day because as you know, I am sure, marriages then not only between different ethnicities but ! Roman Catholics and Protestants were verboten....especially in cities like Pittsburgh.) My grandmother raised all eight of her children as Catholics. Their third child, whose name was Margaret Christiana, died when she was three years of age (as we say in the Midwest). Bless her heart, my grandmother always thought my mother had named me after her daughter when in fact.... My mother, to coin Elissa's phrase, never disabused her mother-in-law of this notion. I am so fortunate that none of my father's siblings chose this beautiful name for their children. My father was the eighth and last child and I am the tenth and last grandchild of Edward and Christiana Adams.

******

My mother, as you know from "Soul Sculpting", loved words. Her wish was that I be called "Christie." Never Christiana when I was a child. "Christie." I think you understand why. Please remember that my father was then the Dean of the School of Pharmacy at Duquesne University and we were surrounded by the Holy Ghost Fathers and all of the nuns who were studying pharmacy with "Iron John." Christie.

Sidebar story: One evening my parents were entertaining...angels?...several Holy Ghost priests at our home in Pgh. Suddenly a three-year old Christie shouted and I do mean shouted, "JESUS CHRIST." My parents were absolutely mortified; in our home the Lord's name was never taken in vain, or rarely! And only by "Iron John" when he was in a fix! "GD IT" was what he said then. Never, never "JC."That being said he never said even the "GD" in the hearing of this little child. Not then.But wait, Andrea! There is more. As my mother told the story, the little Christie immediately dropped to her knees, raised her hands in prayer and said, "My Lord."This, my dear Andrea, is yet another true story. Really. End of sidebar.

My family called me "Chris." Even my mother very often called me "Chris." Three people in my life called me "Chrissie." Actually five. My father, Monique Legrand, her sister Suzanne, her best friend Elisabeth (also deceased ... just five years after Monique, from a brain aneurysm; I knew Elisabeth very well also and she was so young, so young when she died), and my friend Bob, who died in November 2004.

***

When my father introduced me to people, he always introduced me as "my daughter, Chris." When my mother introduced me, it was always "my daughter, Christie."At school (grammar, junior high, senior high and MHC) and then when I moved here the first time, I was and still am actually "Christie."

Another true funny story. In school of course when Miss Marjorie Baldwin, my first grade teacher, called the roll at Storrs Grammar School, she called, "Margaret Adams." I naturally did not reply "Here" because I am Christie Adams!

***

When I moved back to the US in 1988 and in the circumstances you know, I asked very close friends in NYC to call me "Chris." I was so lonely and "Chris" reminded me of my family.When I moved to Minnesota I was even lonelier! (Thank God for Dorothy Day and _The Long Loneliness_ and for HJM Nouwen and for _Markings_....) I therefore introduced myself everywhere I went (Mary's lamb of sorts) as "Chris." That is what everyone from those years calls me.

***

Another sidebar. When I was at MHC and living on the German floor of Ham so that I could get a single but did not! one of my dearest friends, Carol Fitton, (and yes, there is another story there as well that I will tell you) used to call me Christiana. (She pronounced if for fun as CHREESTIANA". Her father was a Presbyterian minister.) She loved my name. And now there is Christie II as Carol named her daughter after me. Christiana Fitton Moyle. Christie II. End of this sidebar

***

Fast forward now to 13 January 2005. "Chris," said Patti. "Meet Chris." Unbelievably many, many of his friends from MN call Christian "Chris." He is just not a "Chris"! Not, in my opinion, a "Chris." He is a Christian, Martin, Raphaël (mmmhmmm......). I have always called him Christian and he has always called me "Christiana." I am so glad as I love our name.

Final sidebar: I, too, love Montaigne's essay on friendship that Christian selected as his secular reading for our marriage. What then should I choose? I just could not find what I wanted; I could not find the perfect secular passage. No problem for the Biblical passages! I looked through all of my books of poetry (including one from a certain class in 1974--no kidding!) and essays or nearly all of them. And then I was inspired (yes, truly) to go to a book my mother had given me a very long time ago: _The Four Loves_ . Where I immediately came upon the reference to _The Pilgrim's Progress_ and another Christian and Christiana. (I cannot remember if I have sent you the second attachment. If so, here it is again. If not...well...read on!)End of last sidebar for this evening!

***

Here, finally, is the answer to your question. Call me "Christie" as that is how you think of me. I call myself "Christie" too! And my "Christie II" is a very special girl. Attached is a poem she wrote when she was eleven years of age. She is now twelve.I sent her the poems of Hilda Conkling, whose mother as you most likely know, was an English professor (or assistant prof) at Smith.

With my love,
Christie I


From the evening of 16 August 2008:

My dears,
It is late and I am tired.

So many angels! One who is here for two weeks a professor of French, Latin and Pedagogy ... And there is so much more. But as I said it is late and I am tired. Those will be stories for another day.***A few minutes ago, I went to bed but wanted to read the Missal to relax and to be "inspired." (In both the literal and figurative senses!) Before going to sleep I wanted to "breathe deeply of God's peace", as Susan Andrews (our pastor for many years and through the best of times and the worst of times...) told me to do when I had a sinus operation in 1990.(Because in addition to entertaining all of these angels, my dear cat, Mistinguett, had a stroke three weeks ago and then last Monday fluid on the lungs. I have been hand-feeding her for three weeks. Equivalent of Ensure, vanilla milkshakes with egg now, chicken, tuna, water, ginger vaporizer inhalations and so forth and so on. Und so weite, und so weite... Well. Basically everything I did for my beloved parents and Aunt Lorraine. Including singing. My cats, by the way, always come to me when I sing...you simply will not believe this but ‘tis true, 'tis true..."Jesus Loves Me." Many people can now attest!

Dear Mistinguett. Her illness has provoked all of the tears I never shed for my beloved ones. The human ones that is. I have cried a river and more tears in the past three weeks than in my entire life. Truly. This is a good thing for me. A very good thing.)

***

Back to a few moments ago.

The Missal from Duquesne University was edited by one of my father's favorite Holy Ghost Fathers. It of course belonged to my dad and I have read it, shall we just say religiously, for many years and I always look to it for solace. Just now I looked at today's feast. Yesterday of course was the Assumption of the BVM, if you happen to be Catholic! Then I looked forward to August 22, the anniversary date of my father's passing. Lo and behold. August 22 is yes. That is correct. The Feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary.

****

For those of you who did not know them. My mother's name was Mary. My father's name was John.

Peace and blessings.

C.
***
Finally, we entertained English angels the other day. Here follows the email I received from Susie Bromwich last night. Susie is also a development director for grammar schools in England. Her nine-year-old daughter’s name is Lucie.

Dear Christiana

We had such a great time staying with you at La P, thank you so much.

I have looked out my copy of 'Labyrinth' and will send, it is a great story, not too highbrow, but a 'must' for all Grail followers, and set in Languedoc.

How is your little cat? Lucie said she thought she might be a a Russian Blue - I wonder... when I was little we had a Russian Blue called...'Magnificat'!!! (my brother was a chorister and we are all musicians, and also Russian Blues orginate from the town of Archangel in Russia, so that's how the name came about. Anyway, we hope your little cat is ok.

Lucie loves Eloise and promises me she will finish it tomorrow and then I can read! I read all of 'Thirst' last evening and will read some again, I like her sea, sky and earth. I did enjoy your reference to angels: - travellers (of course!) - in our home we have always lit a candle in our window every evening for travellers, but I hadn’t made the connection to angels till you forwarded the e mail. Glad that more angels are calling in.

We had a rough crossing, everyone sick except us, we got home at 3am!

Thanks for finding my nightdress, sorry to have put you to trouble, please give best wishes to Christian, lots of hugs to your both from us

Susie and Lucie